What No One Ever Told Me about the D -Word

What No One Ever Told Me about the D -Word

2008 voter data shows that “red” states (states that tend to vote Republican), have higher divorce rates than “blue” states (states that tend to vote Democrat).

Pretty interesting.

But, that is not what this post is about. Not even close. It has been almost 2 years since D-Day. And, I am not talking about the invasion of Normandy, France.

Dee Vorce.

Something no one likes to talk about much less go through.

Well, statistically, it is going to happen to approximately 40-50% of marriages. It happened to me. And, it isn’t contagious.

Unfortunately, some people feel otherwise. What do people expect from you when you get one? They expect anger, bitterness and mass disaster – basically the inability of one parent being able to get along with the other parent. They expect awful, terrible bitterness and craziness. They expect you to fall apart. And, they judge you. Boy do they judge.

As a married woman, I never felt my every action was watched and criticized. As a single, you just can’t be too careful around me.

I have cooties.

Divorce cooties.

And, if you hang around me long enough, you might be infected.

Now, does everyone believe they might contract divorce cooties? No. Some people are really nice, supportive and treat me the same as they did before D-Day. What has been most disturbing and surprising is that some people would rather me keep my distance.

And, I am still naive.

I am naive to think that people would love and not judge.

Some do. Some don’t.

And, it is the ones with the most problems in their own lives that enjoy judging me the most. My sole purpose is to make them feel better about themselves because Lord knows their lives aren’t nearly as bad as mine.

Well, it is possible to get a Dee Vorce and still maintain a positive relationship with your ex.

I speak to mine frequently through text, email, phone or Facebook. Every 2-3 weeks we have a nice long talk about whatever is going on in our lives, our son’s life and just things in general. When I have a problem or need advice, I still go to him. When something exciting happens, he will soon know about it.

And, we love our son. I think that our son is more loved, more nurtured and able to have so many more experiences because of our love for him and our ability to get along in a productive and positive way. He feels safe, and loved and nurtured because he knows that there is peace between myself and his dad. He knows we both love him and want what is best for him. And, I will even say that I feel confident that my ex’s significant other cares about my son and wants what is best for him.

But, that isn’t good enough for some people. Their preconceived notions of who should and should not be the primary residential parent prevents them from seeing that it is possible to raise a child in an non-traditional way and still play an active role as a parent.

And, after a while, you learn that you have to live your life the way you see fit – not in a way that pleases the judgemongers.

Because, truly, they will never be pleased and it is your life. And, truly, this isn’t the only season of my life that is going to be negative. I will make more mistakes, and more bad things are going to happen to me in the future. But, there will also be great days with amazing surprises and thrills. One thing I can guarantee – I will continue to fall short. Daily.

I am a work in progress with flaws. We all are.

My point in writing this post is this – do you know someone recently divorced or possibly going through one?

The best thing that you can do for that person is to love them, support them and not pass judgement.

They are going to make mistakes.

They are going to eat too much, drink too much, spend too much, call too much, cuss too much, complain too much and any other self-destructive thing one can do “too” much or maybe even “too little.”

Listen to them.

Love them.

What they are going through is very similar to the loss of a loved one – it hurts. And, it takes a long time to be able to move forward. And, you really have no idea what it is like unless it has happened to you.

Not a clue.

Are you going to be part of the problem for them or part of the solution?

“Instead of wiping away tears, wipe away the people that made you cry.” – Unknown

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